My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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