HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
