"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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