I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
