I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
