Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize