someone owes me an orgasm
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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