So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
