I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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