I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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