i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Randomize
