why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
