My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
