I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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