EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize