the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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