Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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