I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
NoShamevember. You game?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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