Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
