I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
