So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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