During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
