hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize