I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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