I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
