Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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