i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
honey bunches of taint.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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