you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
