wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He shit in the fireplace
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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