the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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