here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
