I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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