Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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