awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
