When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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