Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
