Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
