I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
