this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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