I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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