Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You can't special order awesome
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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