my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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