Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
