I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
