Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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