If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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