found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
