life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
