please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
