my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
