I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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