I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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