but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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