I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
