she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
