hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
