What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
