Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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