Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
