I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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